Sunday, February 1, 2009

Plastic Pumpkins And Unsold Crap

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The proliferation of unsold crap, which economists say began as early as November of 2007, continues to affect retailers nationwide as crap that nobody wants piles up on shelves and warehouse floors, untouched by consumers. Crap, which constitutes 90% of what is sold in the United States, has been steadily introduced to department stores, outlets, and retailers for as long as anyone can remember. While crap is usually snatched up by consumers looking to waste money, consumers have recently started hoarding their wealth, dispensing it only on items they actually need. The legacy of America crapophilia is the widespread proliferation of crap producing factories in third world countries, where domestic crap such as plastic dragon candlesticks and imitation Mao hats are produced alongside the American, land-fill quality crap that shamefully litters our homes and offices. While the quality of this crap, as compared to American made crap, can vary within a limited range, social and economic expert agree that it is all, unequivocally, crap. "Everything we know about the economy says that people will buy crap, cheap or expensive, as long as it is advertised well," said Elliot Read, economic analyst. "We're not concerned as to whether or not the consumer can afford this crap, just so long as they buy it." Crap, which is best disposed of immediately after purchase, is advertised to consumers as producing attraction in members of the opposite sex, improving the quality of life, and at the very least, having actual uses. Nonetheless, market research has found that while advertisements for crap has become increasingly sophisticated and expensive, the crap itself has in no way improved. "We've been repackaging the same crap for the last 30 years, telling the viewer that it's going to revolutionize their lifestyle every single time," said Ron Popeil, noted television crapmonger. "All of my crap is designed to stop working after a few months, but I guess that's not good enough anymore." Worse still, the crap epidemic shows no signs of ending. Even as President Obama promises to revitalize the crap-selling economy, many large companies that relied on selling crap have filed for bankruptcy in the last three months alone. Even the $800 billion government bailout has yet to reduce the amount of unsold crap. "I've never seen consumers so afraid to spend money on things they'll only use once and never touch again," said Rob Argyle, who has been in the business of selling anything people will buy for sixteen years. "Now I've got hundreds of mechanized egg crackers I can't get rid of no matter how many times I rearrange the display." "All this crap is making it harder for the consumer to find the few good products I have any confidence in selling," conceded Argyle. "I don't want people to be under the impression that I actually sell this crap; I just want people to spend money on it."

"I guess I could try selling this crap on Ebay by using misleading product descriptions, limited return policy, and overpriced shipping," added Argyle. "Lord knows I would never use any of it." This Holiday season, billions of dollars worth of crap was sold, but not quite so many billions of dollars as in recent years. "Even if we stop making crap now, there will still be plenty of it to get rid of before things are looking even remotely reasonable," said Timothy Geithner, U.S. Secretary of the Treasury. "People just don't seem interested in ripping themselves off anymore." By Michael Wakcher

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